Note to Self

I believe I turned a corner in my healing this past summer when I learned to “coach myself through the grieving process”.  I constantly need to help myself move thru the pain of triggers and loss, in order to avoid getting “stuck” in shame or victim mentality.   Due to lack of mature community in my childhood, which could help me process painful experiences,  I have had to learn this skill all by myself.  It was not modeled for me.  I “coach myself thru grief and shame” by writing letters to myself.  I do this in order to; ground myself back to reality, parent me the way little Rochelle never was, and to show kindness toward self.

Recently, I have intensely struggled with condemnation for not “healing faster”.   “I should be over this by now”“why can’t I receive love from others?”, “Why don’t I actually believe that God loves me?”, “Ugh!  When will I stop feeling so inadequate?”    These thoughts are raw and real and some days, play on a loop – adding insult to injury, but I have learned that kindness toward self can be the greatest antidote to shame. It is also biblical, as described in 2 Corinthians 5:10, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 

In an attempt to DEMOLISH the arguments made against SELF and the Imago Dei – I write.  I “coach myself” to move thru the shame and loss- REMINDING myself of the KNOWLEDGE of GOD and that He is the ultimate source of KINDNESS.    Here is one such letter:

“Dear Self,

I wanted to remind you that healing takes time.  It takes small moments, a collection of experiences in the mundane – thru family and thru community.  All of these points of time enveloped in love and belonging will someday add up to wholeness, beauty and receiving.  Being made in the Image of God – you have the promise of restoration and redemption – daily being transformed.  The veil has fallen from your eyes – it is already happening.  You are not alone in the moments when it is hard, painful and isolating.  He is there.  He is with you.  He is not put off by your anger, catastrophic thinking or your anxiety.  He sees the bigger picture when you can’t.  He looks at you and says, “oh, my beautiful daughter – just rest, just be still, slow down my love, and let it happen – collect the moments of my goodness as you watch it unfold – I promise you will slowly believe I love you – you will be convinced and you will come alive, just hang in there and rest.  I have you, dear one – no matter what.”   He is the God who stays.  Dear self, it is a single day at a time – melt into his pursuit – the healing and beauty will come, in fact, they are here now, look and see!  Watch for His love and His revival of broken pieces.  He is in the small and the quiet – just as He came for you in the small and quiet – as a newborn, innocent and pure – His love gently invites you – innocent and pure.  Just let it happen. Just be.  Just rest.”

My dear sister,  have you ever felt stuck in a loop of shame or grief?  Not able to move thru to resolution?  Yes, grief comes in waves – and when that wave hits – what will you do to “coach yourself” thru?

You are not alone.


Rochelle Sadie

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