I could feel the cold hard wood floors on my feet as I stumbled in the dark, looking for my glasses. “Okay, feed the dogs, getting my coffee…” Lately, my favorite time of day has been before the sun comes up, early in the morning. I sit in the corner of my couch – covered with my wool blanket, eyes closed – listening for what Jesus has for me today. I may pick up a book, I may pick up my journal, I may meditate in silence, or I may read Jesus’ words.
That’s where I landed today -Mark 4:31 – 38. Spiritual abuse from the past, the twisting and distorting God’s character in order to control, manipulate and abuse; has left me very raw. I cannot go to church regularly, and I left the Bible for a long time – I couldn’t access God because the distortions were so thick. I did not know who He was to me. Over time, with lots of therapy, EMDR treatment, coaching and opposite experiences in community – I know that Jesus never left. But I had to leave God and go thru an “undoing” in order to find Him. He has been waiting for me all my life, and I know He is so in love with me. However, due to this former trepidation around all things Bible, theology and doctrine, I’ve had to re-learn how to read the Bible without the voice of my former lifestyle contorting it’s truths. For 2 straight years, I only read the book of Psalms. I’m proud to say it was the first book of the Bible that I read from the first chapter to the last – all the way thru! It was the only area of the Word that was non – threatening to me. It was kind, compassionate, and told of God’s protection for me. I needed to hear that God was my advocate, defender, meeting my needs, and it had all the EXACT same emotions as I was experiencing. I needed to see MY trauma in the scripture! I would sometimes read the bloody, gory stories of sexual abuse and neglect by men in scripture, oddly, I could see myself in these stories. The anger, the injustice and the pain of it all – it made me feel that other people had felt this before me. I was not alone. God thought it important enough to write it down! AKA: My story is important! I also clung to the fact that Lord’s first disciple was a woman! Mary Magdalene – she was possessed by demons, possibly had been sexually abused and molested, and some say she worked in the “red light” district (for lack of better term). This is the person that Jesus CHOSE to heal, to spread the gospel, and to have by His side in his entourage. I am not here to debate about whether those statements are true about Mary, the point is; I saw that women mattered to God!
As I venture out into the New Testament, I gingerly read with one frame of mind now: I am SEARCHING for how Jesus behaved. How did He respond to people? How did He advocate for people? Whom did He spend His time with? What did He do when He was angry? What was His heart toward women and children? What did He say to His Father? How was He reminded of His identity and purpose? What mannerisms, phrases and interactions show me that the sick and hurting were important to him? How did He treat his friends? How did He empathize? These are questions I want to ponder over and over again, in order to be transformed by knowing His heart – and as a result; hearing the Heart of God the Father.
Something I noticed in Mark today, was Jesus telling a story about how the Kingdom of God is run – I imagine him trying to describe it’s culture and value system. He explains the Kingdom’s principles thru the comparison of plants in a garden. See here: “31 It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest of all seeds on earth. 32 Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds can perch in its shade.” 33 With many similar parables Jesus spoke the word to them, as much as they could understand.”
Now, I am not a gardener of Mustard plants, I had to do a little research; apparently these mustard plants grow full size to be 30 feet high! However, what caught my attention is the emphasis put on the small. He used something so tiny like a mustard seed (only 1 to 2 millimeters in size) to demonstrate that in Jesus’ world, the world of His Father – it is the small which grow up to be greatest in the garden. They thrive while being the tallest, and begin to produce BECAUSE they are thriving!
The Message describes it this way:
“30-32 “How can we picture God’s kingdom? What kind of story can we use? It’s like a pine nut. When it lands on the ground it is quite small as seeds go, yet once it is planted it grows into a huge pine tree with thick branches. Eagles nest in it.”
Again, small and productive!
I thought about the word small. I have felt ‘small’ for so many years. Patriarchy (a value system that is the opposite of God’s Kingdom) trains women to lessen their identity, their spiritual giftings, talents, their wisdom and strength. My voice was made to be small in the church, in my family of origin and in my marriage. I was trained to be seen and not heard, to be the perfect Pastor’s daughter – above reproach in all areas of life. My dad frequently told me, “Your only job around this house is to be sweet and nice and to answer me with respect.” Surely, I was made for more than just ‘sweetness’. My dad didn’t hear my voice. I was also not heard in my marriage – belittled into the small silence, my voice ripped from my gut when I was chronically lied to and emotionally, verbally, and spiritually abused. I was left feeling small; unheard and unknown.
When a tiny seed is planted in the garden, only the planter knows it is there deep within the cold Earth. Yet, as the planter provides it ample sun, light, and nutrients, something begins to happen to this seed in the bosom of the earth. It sits and struggles with no voice – not knowing that soon it will tower over every other plant. It will be so hearty that this little seed will help others in it’s ecosystem, birds will nest, insects will forage, and rabbits and mice will find shelter.
“Jesus”, I whispered – “oh my word.” I am this seed and you are the planter. I was the small, sequestered without a voice, abandoned and alone in the dark of the dirt. Yet, something was happening over time, someone was watering me, someone was watching me, feeding me, clothing me, and I didn’t even know. He saw me. He saw me with my face in the dirt being buried alive by insults, treachery, injury and shame. He saw every tear shed in His Kingdom, and He stayed protecting me, while in that dirt. God, the Master Gardener, always left another planter behind to tend to my growth – all along the way. Some were women and some were friends, but each were there, advocating for my safety in the background while the carnage took place in the foreground. Slowly, these ‘helpers’ voices became louder than the devastation and I began reaching my roots down into the ground, coming to understand it was Him – it was His love. As He brought more light into my life, I exposed my dark and secrets – shoots began to burst out of the ground, extending towards the heaven, as I was hungry for more.
I was the small, and now my voice is made great. I reach higher and higher above the garden – stretching my branches in height – as He causes me to grow, tenderly meeting each need. I am growing in the most ideal environment. Reaching toward Jesus – higher and higher.
He took the small and voiceless – and made her great. She stands firm in her roots – while extending herself to others who need shelter, food and light.
Jesus has a habit of using the small like that. It is the value system of Heaven to uplift the oppressed, and be near to those whom feel small and crushed:
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” –Psalm 34
“That they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us,” -Acts 17
Proverbs 18:6 states, “A person’s gift opens doors for him and brings him before the great.” I believe that if I look around – the great are actually the small nearest to me. Those whom have had their voice silenced and forgotten. Those who are frail from abuse, neglect and abandonment.
The GIFT of my GROWTH has brought me before some of the GREATEST! Starting with YOU, dear sister. You are the great. The orphans I bring into my home – are the GREAT! When we see ourselves thru the eyes of the Kingdom and HIS value system – we will see that we are not so small after all.
You are not alone.