My Dear Sister,
With this post I want to illustrate how we can come at our pain from a position of being one down (victim mentality), or one up (owner mentality).
What I mean is; the little girl inside you can be at risk of always controlling the narrative: she’s been harmed, she is the victim, and she’s feeling lost, alone and betrayed. These are all true and valid and there is a time and space for her to grieve and cry out! However, if she does not have access to an adult (you, your adult self) she will stay stuck and continue to stay a victim. Sister, this will hinder your healing in the long haul.
A victim mentality (the child seat) is one in which we become paralyzed and crippled by life’s events – we begin to have a mindset where we ALLOW life to happen to us, rather than sitting in the adult seat and INTERACTING with life: we have choices, we can choose how we want our life to look after betrayal. We are the owner of our story. After all, “A successful woman is one who can build a firm foundation from the bricks others have thrown at her.”
These are two journal entries from my own grief journey. One is little Rochelle crying out at the devastating betrayal and abandonment she has experienced. She has EVERY right to be appalled and crushed. However, if I do not coach her from the ADULT SEAT – she will stay stuck in this mentality that life just happens TO her and she has no say over it. This is a LIE – and I will not allow her to stay there, so my objective is to coach her and make meaning of this pain.
When we have access to the adult self, not only does it help us move thru pain – it also helps us to bond to self, trust ourselves, and come back inside our own body becoming one with all parts – trusting our intuition and the Holy Spirit’s comfort and guidance.
This first poem is little Rochelle. The second, is me from the adult seat, coaching her to remember that she is the OWNER of this story – not someone else. See if you can hear the difference. How did I reframe the pain?
That died and I bled. My body knew and shed the loss of hope, dream and potential. She cleansed herself thru death to make way for new possibility.
The sad reality is: It was never mine to long for. He lied.
It’s a devastating truth when you lay in bed alone, paralyzed in grief and remind yourself: “No, he doesn’t care.”
“No, don’t romanticize that photo of the two of you – he doesn’t love you. Actions speak louder than his lying tongue.”
“No, he’s never coming back.”
“Get used to it. He doesn’t care.”
How does the heart grapple with what IS and what was PRETENDED TO BE. No human psyche should have to make that differentiation within the same person. It’s too much – and too high a mental cost.
And so I lay here, paralyzed at the endless days ahead with this pain. It seems there is no end in sight. He’s not coming back. His actions spoke loudly that he does not care, nor does he love.
The pit in my stomach makes me sicker and sicker.
The blood I bleed, a symbol of the death and loss that took place because of someone else’s sin.
He wasn’t strong or secure enough to be kind, patient and loving as I slay my demons. He could not be in battle with me as I fight. I needed a “brother in arms”, yet he did not have my back as promised.
I can never get the time back which he stole.
He abdicated this role over and over, with every lie, manipulation, shout and rant.
I cannot even call him ‘friend’.
My body protected itself. SHE did GOOD and I listened to her cries!
The ways she protected me always AMAZE me! Bless the Lord and my body for SHE reflects my Father’s protective heart. SHE reflects HER defender. The blood, dreams, grinding, aches, exhaustion: all ways to tell me this was not right.
It is a sad day when someone claims to love the Lord and be a man of God but his behavior does not match his words.
I grieve with my Father for his son, whom is lost and confused. He perpetrates evil against women and this was not the design for his life.
It is my job to RUN and STEWARD myself!
I take care of HER.
I protect HER.
I will not allow HER to be yelled at, lied to, manipulated, shamed, degraded, belittled or humiliated.
I will not allow HER to be victim to someone else’s abuse, anger and emotional instability.
I will not allow HER to be friends with an angry person, because I do NOT want to become one such person.
My Heavenly Father approves of this decision I have made to guard my heart! He told me so:
“Like snow in summer and rain at harvest, honor is INNAPROPRIATE for a fool…. don’t answer a fool according to his foolishness or you will be like him yourself…. giving honor to a fool is like binding a stone in a sling.” – Proverbs 26
I will NOT romanticize anything about this man. Honoring him is INNAPROPRIATE.
I will NOT glorify the bread crumbs he offered in his game of manipulation.
“Smooth lips with an evil heart are like glaze on an earthen vessel. A hateful person disguises himself with his speech and harbors deceit within. When he speaks graciously, don’t believe him, for there are seven detestable things in his heart. Though his hatred is concealed by deception.” -Proverbs 26:20 – 26
He has shown me who he is, so I act with WISDOM and DISCERNMENT and STEWARDSHIP when I walk away.
I do not want this. I will NOT wait for someone to heal, if I do it relinquishes my power, happiness and emotions to their hands. This would be wrong.
It is my job alone to create the life I want, with Jesus inside of me to maintain my power.
I want a sound mind a heart of valor, mutuality and respect.
“A sensible person sees danger and takes cover…. the righteous are as BOLD as a lion!” -Proverbs 27:12, 28:1
“The one who lives with integrity will be helped, but one who distorts right and wrong will suddenly fall.” – Proverbs 28:18
I am strong, kind, compassionate, giving, loving and honest.
I do not want to rehabilitate someone else’s soul, that is not my job.
I cannot fix, change or grow another person.
This TIME will be redeemed. No time, money, investment or experience is wasted in God’s economy.
I have learned how to listen to the child inside myself, trust my intuition and collect many lessons within this betrayal and loss.
I can lean on my community thru this grief.
I will look for God’s pursuit of my heart in the ordinary of the every day.
“He is my cup of blessing; he holds my future. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.” – Psalm 16:5-6
My Dear Sister,
What did you notice? How do the narratives sound different? Does one sound more empowered than the other? Does one acknowledge the TRUTH more than the other? Which one resonates with you most?
I encourage you – as you journal, try to write from the different parts of yourself. What would the adult self say, to coach the little girl within yourself?
You are not alone.