The sweat trickled down my forehead – getting closer and closer to my eyes – “UGH”, I thought. I tried to remain as still and focused as possible. My eyes began to sting from the drop that found its target. I was determined and held my focal point, despite the burn until the instructor said ‘release’.

I’ve learned a lot from Yoga. Mentally, physically and spiritually. It asks me to extend my limbs, spine, heart and thinking. The next words out of the instructor’s mouth – I’ve never heard any of my teachers say before. “Go back into your stance, and this time let’s explore – arms up over head as you’re in tree – imagine your branches reaching toward the sky and your core and feet firmly planted – the roots of your being directed deeply into the floor. Now tilt head up, eyes closed and fall out. It is fun to fall with your eyes closed”

My first reaction: “I’m sorry what now?!” I thought we were supposed to focus on a fixed point and be mindful in the pose?!

What she said next was so counterintuitive that I haven’t been able to shake the language of this concept. “Let’s be curious about the fall. Find your edge and let go”

Be curious about the fall? My whole life I have tried to avoid falling! I fight it, run from it, clench my jaw and refuse it, I loathe it, I try to escape it. And here is a wise sage telling me to fall and be curious about it AS I FALL?!

Wow. SO MUCH DEPTH of exploration here. She is absolutely right! As I reflect on my recent falls, I have to be honest and acknowledge that I often view my “falls” in life as a symptom of never being good enough, failing or letting others down. 

I realize that this is, not only false, but it also OOZES condemnation poured all over myself.  It’s the opposite of self-compassion. 

To be curious is to be self compassionate because it means rather than judging – you are observing with an open heart and mind.  When I hold the tree pose and explore “falling” I’m not judging my abilities to excercise – I’m practicing compassion: What does my body feel when it falls out of the position?

And now, here I am exploring how to curiously fall.

My first curious question: “Do I view falling as negative, failure and to be avoided at all costs?”

“Is my fear of falling fueld by what other people will think about me?”

“Why do I try to escape the process of falling?”

“What can be learned from a fall?”

“Who taught me that a fall in life is “bad” or measurable to failure?”

I always talk about collecting ‘data on myself’. When I collect personal data I can see my patterns, thoughts, behaviors and perspectives. Especially those that aren’t functional or healthy any longer.

Wouldn’t a fall in life facilitate this process? I’m not curious about the by product of the fall – I’m curious about what happens WHILE I AM FALLING. What am I catching ? Sensations, feelings, thoughts, memories, attachment, compassion, criticism, anger, excitement?

What makes this fall unique or the same as the last? Does the same theme keep recurring? Do I fall in a new place- or do I continue to fall on a spot that has been worn down by my body, mind and spirit hitting the floor?

Do I feel overpowered or EMpowered by this fall?

Is it a long time to find my center again or is it a quick bounce back?

I’m curious about the composition of the fall, and where was my edge?

Some falls are big – some falls are just a “trip and a skip”. Either way, I’m learning that a fall is always preceded by “Finding my Edge”.

If I can’t find the edge of my physicality, health, faith, skills, giftings, hope, emotions, and feminine power, then where is the growth?

If I don’t stretch and test my balance (equilibrium), then just like in yoga, my body is not being trained, strengthened or receiving the full benefit of the stretch. Likewise, my mind, body and spirit will remain stagnant and unstretched if I don’t engage in edging closer – past my equilibrium in life.

As curious beings we equally know life and death. If something isn’t growing – we know it is decaying overtime. Like muscles that will atrophy due to lack of movement.

My falls are not the “death” of something – they are actually the LIFE – the BIRTH and the fullness of the human experience.

If we can allow it – the fall can be our greatest ally and teacher. I imagine the scene in Alice in Wonderland as she experiences that never ending fall down the rabbit hole. She notices (“catches”) things as she falls, and doesn’t know where she will end up. Consequently she ends up in a very magical place!

What if my falls felt like that? Ending in the “Magical Place” is a by product of what happens DURING the fall. Because I remain curious – I can notice as I fall, collect data and see my lessons, whether that’s relationally, spiritually, physically, emotionally or mentally. I want to melt into it like butter, and feel the FREEDOM in allowing and trusting myself to fall. Just like I fell from my tree pose, I can trust that I will always catch myself because I’m a survivor – it’s what I do.

I can close my eyes, look up and let go – embracing and knowing that there is health and newness wherever I land next, and not only that, but there is a new EDGE to discover! It’s the Wonderland Magic!

In my most recent falls my edge has been a newness of self-compassion and technical study. It is hard to embrace that place. I noticed and collected data on myself, during the fall. There is a new found freedom. I see that it is okay to be stretched to your absolute limit and to grow in the sunlight of something new.

My Dear Sister,

Is falling in life scary to you? Do you view it as a failure or something bad? Do your cognitive distortions lead you to believe you fall because you are bad or not good enough? Does it feel impossible to get back up after a fall? Do you run away from falls or escape them in order to avoid pain?

It’s okay to answer ‘yes’ to all of these. This life is hard – and growing in truth is uncomfortable.

Remember the next time you fall, that you are not alone. Allow it. Embrace it, for you will never truly fall into despair – you are a survivor – you can trust that you will always catch yourself and so will your God, the Divine Protector.

“Because I AM LORD JEHOVAH your God, the Enforcer of your right hand. I have said to you: ‘You shall not fear. I AM your helper’, says LORD JEHOVAH.” – Aramaic Translation, Isaiah 41:13

I promise, Jehova will help you.

Curiosity is openness, it is freedom and it brings life. Find your edge dear one – and when it facilitates your fall, embrace these truths:

1. I am growing
2. I can practice
3. I receive this new self-data with an open heart
4. I receive this wisdom from my mentor with an open mind
5. I am open to feedback
6. I’m not bad or a failure – I’m human
7. I’m doing my best
8. I breathe deeply and try again
9. I am loved even in my growing pains

I see you sister, as you embrace your fall.

Love,

Rochelle Sadie