I live and breathe next to the Pool of Sorrow. The water is cool and the color; clear and crisp. Sometimes a fog settles over the pool and I no longer see my reflection in the deep. Other times, the sun gives a gentle glow and I see the dew drops reflect off the blades of grass surrounding the pool.

This is a place of peace and agony. A calm, collective of the sorrow I carry. It is a place of reflection and awe, there is both sun and rain, shadow and light, death and rebirth.

As I hold my body I can look at my reflection in the pool: what do I see? who do I see? what does she know? what does she have to say? who am I today?

It is open, yet closed here. What is created in the sacredness of this pool? A pool filled with my own tears. Almost four decades of tears. Tears of abandonment, death, betrayal, rejection, loss, cruelty, indifference, control, conditioning, criticism, deceit, gossiping and judgement. So. Many. Tears.

It is said that God collects my tears, yes? What if he placed them here in this pool. What if they are in this pool as a remembrance, a sign and a treasure?

What if God collected these tears- MY tears, here in this pool – for me as a gift. And what if this gift is a gift that keeps on giving? And what if this gift that keeps on giving is the gift of eternity?

What if my tears of pain are an eternal gift I receive – each time I see my reflection in this pool?

What if, when I look in this pool I see a new reflection looking back and I weep at what I see?

And what if those new tears, create new rain – that brings new life – taking the pool to new depths?

What if this pool is my soul?

What if to sit by this pool, in agony and peace, reflection and sorrow, love and loss is to sit with my soul in all its realities. To ask her questions and to accept EVERY reflection she shows back to me.

Her shadow and her light.

What if I look in this pool and see all the parts of her and rather than breaking her sight by splashing my hand through the water – I stare back and say, “hello. I see you. I can be with you today.”

And what if this pool is a source of renewal and hope? A wellspring of life?

God said I will joyfully draw water from the spring of salvation. (Is. 12:3)

So what if this pool, created by my own tears – thru my pain and suffering, is part of me drawing water from the spring of salvation.

What am I drawing from when I look at my reflection in the water?

I draw from experience. This experience informs and refines. It adds to the tears of the pool with grateful reflection.

And if I draw from this salvation with each experience, am I not becoming new? Being sanctified over and over as I look at the depths of my own soul? As I examine the marks of terror upon my skin?

And when I step into this pool – what then? When I immerse myself in the cool touch of the water – am I not transformed by the rinsing, the washing of what was and stepping out into what can be?

There is much life at the Pool of Sorrow. It bids me, come and weep, to look and to hold space for all parts of myself. It invites me to plunge into the pain of its waters and come out with the glisten of precipitation, birthed with my own ‘pearl of great price.’

The pool is the place of integration, the transmission of pain into beauty and compassion. It does not stay only as Sorrow. The Sorrow collects in this place and does the work of transformation, pushing forward the great longing to be fully and one hundred percent comfortable and acceptable in my skin.

The Pool of Sorrow becomes the safe place to alchemize all that is lost and enlightens all that is to come.

Will you meet me at this Pool?

You are not alone.

Love,

Rochelle Sadie

Featured Image Photographed by Sutla Tiemumporn