My dear sister,
“Fear not; you will NO LONGER live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you.
You will no longer remember the shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood.
For YOUR CREATOR WILL BE YOUR HUSBAND; the Lord of heavens armies is His name!!
The Lord is calling you back from your grief- as though you were a young wife abandoned by her husband”
Says YOUR GOD
These words rang all too true for me last winter as I sat at a coffee shop all by myself while tagging along on my husbands business trip. I felt lost, alone and confused at that point – trying to figure out “what was wrong” in our relationship, never coming to resolution despite the weekly counseling. Was he telling me the truth? Was he still remaining faithful? His actions didn’t match his words. Was it me? Was I not being supportive enough? Or being a good enough wife? (Can you say codependency and trauma bondage?) I remember that trip as one of my lowest of lows- going down the “rabbit hole” as I like to call it. Beating myself up mentally for not being able to solve the problem or figure out why something felt so “off” in our relationship. And by year 10 STILL not being able to connect emotionally with my husband… the frustration was beyond words and manifested as pure depression, and extreme highs and lows in mood.
Yet even in the deepest bout of my depression – and walking thru my betrayal trauma material the Lord met me in that little Caribou Coffee in North Dakota. He showed me Isaiah 54. Reading that passage gave me such hope – God knew exactly what was going on!! The shame from keeping the secret of my husbands sex addiction for a decade. The shame of my own behavior. The emotional disconnect, the sorrow and grief from a decade of abandonment. The Lord knew!!! And not only that – He sat with me, over a cup of coffee – and poured into me emotionally just as a supportive, loving and empathetic husband should do.
My dear sister, I learned the Lord is first and foremost my husband. I realized that I cannot put all my eggs in my spouses basket. If I did – the eggs would constantly be breaking. Rather, I can give my basket to the Lord – He can tenderly care for me and fill that basket with the eggs I need. I cannot be a woman that is husband centered- I need to become a woman who is CREATOR centered- for He is my TRUE LOVE. From now until the end of my days on this Earth. If I take my Creator’s hand and allow Him, invite Him, embrace Him, choose Him… He will CALL ME BACK FROM MY GRIEF … into His peace, love, and emotional connectedness.
My dear sister, if you find yourself wading thru the murky and dangerous waters of abuse, infidelity or any kind of betrayal – go to your TRUE HUSBAND and tell Him, cry to Him, lean on His shoulder – ask Him to lead you on the long journey BACK from your GRIEF and love you like a husband should. He will do it- I know because I have felt it. And my hope is that you will feel it too.
You are not alone.