To put it bluntly, learning how to be divorced and alone is excruciating. Peace would not be the word I would use to describe the process. Simple, basic things like going to the grocery store and shopping for one, can be a trigger for a whole night’s worth of tears.
I recently had a few events – mundane things really that just reminded me “you have to deal with this by yourself”
One of these events included sitting in the line at a tire place for two hours on a school night, waiting for someone to check my tire pressure and change the oil in my car. This wouldn’t normally be a big deal but having just stopped the week before – I was baffled as to why the sensor on my car told me to get the tire pressure checked again. (If you are an automotive inclined person, feel free to laugh at me now- I’ll spare you the details for the sake of the main point)
Second event happened when my upstairs neighbor had his toilet installed wrong and it began to leak into my bathroom, from the ceiling, causing mold, wet insulation and a giant hole.
Now, end of the world? No. But when walking thru emotional upheaval, trauma and brokenness- little things like flat tires can really mess with my head and reinforce the lies I believe about my security in Christ, His love for me and His faithfulness.
Somehow from childhood trauma and trauma in my marriage, I ended up with this lie that I believed; I don’t matter. Oh, and I can prove it. Anytime I prayed for something to be fixed in my family … God didn’t answer. Anytime I prayed for my marriage to be healed… God didn’t answer. Anytime I prayed for God to heal my husband from his addiction … God didn’t answer. Well, He didn’t answer the way I WANTED. Or on my timeline or on my agenda. All of this translated into some warped belief that I actually must not matter to God. What’s worse is- when something bad happened – I equated it to “God doesn’t love me”. “God is mad at me”. “I’m on God’s blacklist”.
He became this far off, emotionally disconnected entity that just punished me. Because, really, if He was a loving Father – what kind of Father would put their kid in a destructive marriage, and let her live with a hole in her ceiling? These lies pushed me so far away from the One who ….
Well, rewind to last weekend and I am sitting at my kitchen table with a cup of coffee in my hand, listening to Christmas music (per the instructions of my dear friend. “have some coffee, turn on some Christmas music, wait for the plumber and BREATHE”, she says).
I’m staring out the window, tears rolling down my face asking the Lord- “do you see me? Do you see this divorced woman all alone – waiting for a plumber? I can’t talk to a plumber – what if something else goes wrong in my life – I can’t do this. This is so typical of you- things go well and then you make something bad happen just to even out the score. Haven’t I suffered enough?!! I’m alone now. I stood for righteousness in my marriage and divorce – haven’t I suffered enough?!”
And just a still, still small whisper in my spirit started quoting this verse:
“For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, But my loving kindness will not be removed from you, And my covenant of peace will not be shaken,” says the Lord who has compassion on you.” Isaiah 54:10 NASB
Another translation says it like this, “…my covenant of blessing will never be broken.” Isaiah 54:10 NLT
Whoa. Light bulbs. In that moment of utter loneliness and fear – my Creator reminded me, “honey- bad things are going to happen. No matter what. It’s the law of nature, it’s evil in the world, it’s sin, it’s the law of cause and effect. Those things aren’t from me…. It doesn’t change how I feel about You, what I did for You, how I love you, all that I have provided for you. Actually, all these little things are totally separate from me and You. They can’t touch the love between me and You- I’m not going anywhere”
I took another sip of coffee, continuing the conversation with my Creator and He revealed to me my current mindset. Am I the victim of a leaky ceiling? Am I a victim of divorce? Abuse? Infidelity? Or am I the heroine of my own story? Am I an owner in this narrative? Do I know the woman God designed me to be? Do I believe Him when He says “my loving kindness CANNOT BE REMOVED AND MY COVENANT OF PEACE WILL NOT BE SHAKEN?!!”
I am learning to recognize opposition that comes against my relationship with my Creator, and STILL maintain my peace…. I can stay seated on the throne next to the King – while He says to me, “O daughter, O wealthy one! What do you need? It’s already yours – I promised you a covenant of blessing! Only good things come from me” Even in the midst of attack from others, PTSD triggers or opposition from a leaky toilet. I am learning to be still, be in touch with my body and recognize …”oh wait a minute I lost myself-I am not one who is punished by my Creator, He is NOT withholding His love, chaos is NOT from Him- I’m actually a daughter of the King, I am BOUND by a covenant of peace- He has only blessing for me- I am the Heroine in this story and our love together cannot be vanquished.”
I have learned to breathe and remind myself of WHO I am.
My Dear Sister YOU are a wealthy one! You are in a covenant of peace with a God who bound himself inside His own covenant so that it literally can never ever be broken. He told us this in Hebrews 6:17-19:
“Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, He confirmed it with an oath”
Put another way; You will ALWAYS have peace – it’s actually a part of your DNA – you are His child – you inherited it!
My hope is that together we can learn; God is not punishing in the chaos, He is in the blessing. He is not withholding His love in the catastrophe, He is in the peace and the kindness. He is not angry with you when things go awry- He is in the compassion and provision. You are His daughter, His heroine and NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE THAT. So let’s remind ourselves….
“For toilets will leak, ceilings will crumble, car tires will deflate- husbands may abuse and be unfaithful, but my loving kindness will not be removed from you and My covenant of peace will not be shaken” says the Lord, who has compassion on you.
You are a wealthy One. You live from a place of God’s loving kindness.
You have peace.
It cannot be removed from you.
You have blessing.